Don't say that. [ she hisses, because while she knows he doesn't mean it in the same way, he still believes them to be true. in a different way, in a more logical way, but still. she can't just let him say that, can't agree with it no matter what she might throw at him when they fight. ] Your reputation is that of a Summoned who has learned their ways and their magic, and who is now teaching the others to know the same. You're stripping whatever power they might have had in their knowledge and you are inserting yourself in court. That isn't nothing, and if Sidwell is half the politician he thinks himself to be to pull something like this, he'll recognize that.
[ and yes, sure, yennefer is one of the few people here in abraxas that understand the extent of what istredd can do if he needed to. how powerful he can be, how dangerous. but even so, she knows what it is to be considered a prisoner in this castle. knows how much it had driven her mad. and that would be the least of istredd's worries, the worst easily being torture, death. yennefer knows what the queen has always been capable of, had tried to sideline it by attaching herself to her court. but if someone were going to depose her, she can only assume they have access to the same.
she can't have that - she's already stood by and watched someone she loved be torn apart by this kingdom. she can't stand the thought of it happening again.
he kisses her knuckles, his hands warm on hers, and yennefer knows what he's doing and can't do anything to stop it. she'd rather be angry, would rather scream and yell, perhaps even throw items across the room. let the sound of breaking glass and their indistinct voices tell everyone else in the castle that they're arguing again, that it can be shrugged off to be as simple as another one of their lovers quarrels.
but then he mentions sodden, and yennefer stills - it has been years since that point, and it feels like longer now, after their centuries of crafted memories, illusions inserted into their head. even so, she remembers it well - remembers the fire in her hands, the bodies around her feet. how that single night had changed so much. (she's been here, seen the pain and hurt and loss and anger in geralt's eyes when they came back with those memories, knowing, knowing what it had done to them, but-)
that I pushed you away, and then you died.
yennefer remembers it. it was a large reason as to why she was so angry with him when he'd first been summoned here, why she hadn't wanted to be in the same room as him. because she had gone to him. she had gone, and said what he had been waiting to hear, done everything right, had been certain that would be that, and he'd turned her away. it was pride, yes, but it had also been fear - fear that she's burned her last bridge, that there was nothing else left for her to go to.
in some ways, he had been the reason she went to sodden. why she'd ended up back at aretuza at all, when vilgefortz had first taken her aside, appealed to her senses. she'd liked him then, and gods, she'd been such a fool.
and now? now istredd's fingers brush her hair out of her eyes and she - perhaps a bit childishly - shakes her head, doesn't want to hear it. ] And where should I run? To Solvunn? To the Cities? I have run for so long, Istredd. When will it be done?
[ it isn't now - she knows that, even as the question leaves her. thorne was never meant to be her home, and for all that she's turned it into a place she can be comfortable, that still isn't true. she has too many others in other places, too many that she calls family, too many that she loves. but the question of when, of how, of if she'll ever get the chance to settle, anywhere...
she lets go of him with her other hand, taking bother and cupping each side of his face. the feel of his beard under her palm is familiar, it's good, but even as he holds his face some part of her knows it is something she will not have for much longer. not in this room, not like it has been for them.
but still, yennefer has to fight. has to ask. ]
What if it's time to make a stand? What if I don't want to leave these people? [ her eyes search his face, realizing how much she is looking for an answer to that question. how much she wants istredd to have an answer for her, even when she knows he can't.
because he does have a point. she can't ignore the logic of his argument, or the fact that if she decides to stay, it will most certainly mean another attempt on her life. how many does she have left to survive? how many until the final one? the fear of it settles in her chest, cold and rough. ]
I won't be hunted again. And I won't leave knowing you- [ she cuts herself off, shakes her head again. ] I can't.
no subject
[ and yes, sure, yennefer is one of the few people here in abraxas that understand the extent of what istredd can do if he needed to. how powerful he can be, how dangerous. but even so, she knows what it is to be considered a prisoner in this castle. knows how much it had driven her mad. and that would be the least of istredd's worries, the worst easily being torture, death. yennefer knows what the queen has always been capable of, had tried to sideline it by attaching herself to her court. but if someone were going to depose her, she can only assume they have access to the same.
she can't have that - she's already stood by and watched someone she loved be torn apart by this kingdom. she can't stand the thought of it happening again.
he kisses her knuckles, his hands warm on hers, and yennefer knows what he's doing and can't do anything to stop it. she'd rather be angry, would rather scream and yell, perhaps even throw items across the room. let the sound of breaking glass and their indistinct voices tell everyone else in the castle that they're arguing again, that it can be shrugged off to be as simple as another one of their lovers quarrels.
but then he mentions sodden, and yennefer stills - it has been years since that point, and it feels like longer now, after their centuries of crafted memories, illusions inserted into their head. even so, she remembers it well - remembers the fire in her hands, the bodies around her feet. how that single night had changed so much. (she's been here, seen the pain and hurt and loss and anger in geralt's eyes when they came back with those memories, knowing, knowing what it had done to them, but-)
that I pushed you away, and then you died.
yennefer remembers it. it was a large reason as to why she was so angry with him when he'd first been summoned here, why she hadn't wanted to be in the same room as him. because she had gone to him. she had gone, and said what he had been waiting to hear, done everything right, had been certain that would be that, and he'd turned her away. it was pride, yes, but it had also been fear - fear that she's burned her last bridge, that there was nothing else left for her to go to.
in some ways, he had been the reason she went to sodden. why she'd ended up back at aretuza at all, when vilgefortz had first taken her aside, appealed to her senses. she'd liked him then, and gods, she'd been such a fool.
and now? now istredd's fingers brush her hair out of her eyes and she - perhaps a bit childishly - shakes her head, doesn't want to hear it. ] And where should I run? To Solvunn? To the Cities? I have run for so long, Istredd. When will it be done?
[ it isn't now - she knows that, even as the question leaves her. thorne was never meant to be her home, and for all that she's turned it into a place she can be comfortable, that still isn't true. she has too many others in other places, too many that she calls family, too many that she loves. but the question of when, of how, of if she'll ever get the chance to settle, anywhere...
she lets go of him with her other hand, taking bother and cupping each side of his face. the feel of his beard under her palm is familiar, it's good, but even as he holds his face some part of her knows it is something she will not have for much longer. not in this room, not like it has been for them.
but still, yennefer has to fight. has to ask. ]
What if it's time to make a stand? What if I don't want to leave these people? [ her eyes search his face, realizing how much she is looking for an answer to that question. how much she wants istredd to have an answer for her, even when she knows he can't.
because he does have a point. she can't ignore the logic of his argument, or the fact that if she decides to stay, it will most certainly mean another attempt on her life. how many does she have left to survive? how many until the final one? the fear of it settles in her chest, cold and rough. ]
I won't be hunted again. And I won't leave knowing you- [ she cuts herself off, shakes her head again. ] I can't.